That's a distressingly common response to revelations of domestic violence. After a video was released yesterday showing former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice assaulting his then-fiancée (now wife), Janay Palmer, and dragging her unconscious body from a hotel elevator, media pundits and online speculators have questioned why Palmer -- or any victim -- would remain with someone who abused them. The subtext: someone who stays isn't really being abused. Or equally troubling, such reactions imply that a woman can ensure her safety by simply leaving a violent partner.
An estimated one in four women and one in seven men will experience domestic violence in their lifetimes -- and most instances of intimate partner violence are never reported. On average, a victim leaves their abuser seven times before staying away for good.
So, when author Beverly Gooden saw people questioning the experiences of Janay Palmer and other survivors of domestic abuse, she stepped in to explain why "just leaving" isn't that easy.
"When I saw those tweets, my first reaction was shame," Gooden told Mic. "The same shame that I felt back when I was in a violent marriage. It's a sort of guilt that would make me crawl into a shell and remain silent. But today, for a reason I can't explain, I'd had enough. I knew I had an answer to everyone's question of why victims of violence stay. I can't speak for Janay Rice, I can only speak for me."
The author started sharing her own experiences in an abusive relationship through tweets, using the hashtag #WhyIStayed.
I tried to leave the house once after an abusive episode, and he blocked me. He slept in front of the door that entire night. #WhyIStayed
— Beverly Gooden (@bevtgooden) September 8, 2014
I stayed because my pastor told me that God hates divorce. It didn't cross my mind that God might hate abuse, too. #WhyIStayed
— Beverly Gooden (@bevtgooden) September 8, 2014
I had to plan my escape for months before I even had a place to go and money for the bus to get there. #WhyIStayed
— Beverly Gooden (@bevtgooden) September 8, 2014 Next, Gooden invited other survivors to share theirs. These powerful testimonies speak for themselves.
All tweets below are embedded with permission.
#whyistayed Because when he said he was sorry, I trusted that meant it wouldn't happen again. Again. Again. Again. Again.
— Katie Clark (@omgcornflakes) September 9, 2014
#whyistayed. He'd shot my dog Said I'm next if I threaten to leave him again. Victim 75% more likely to be killed if she leaves.
— terry ann thaxton (@terryannthaxton) September 9, 2014
He made me feel absolutely worthless. I thought he was the best I'd ever get. I thought that if I tried harder, he'd change. #WhyIStayed
— Evan Avery Birch (@brassiest) September 8, 2014
Because I didn't know what a healthy relationship was, or how mine wasn't. #WhyIStayed
— Mara Jade (@marajade13) September 9, 2014
#whyistayed because I "knew" no one else would want me. I was "lucky" that he chose me. I finally left because he almost killed me
— thriftymaven (@thriftymaven) September 9, 2014
I was told marriage is forever. I didn’t want to be a failure #whyistayed
— Jessica Merrell (@jmillermerrell) September 9, 2014
I stayed because I was sure he would stop if he only understood how he was hurting me. #WhyIStayed
— Annaleise Dearinger (@Dearinger007) September 9, 2014
I thought it was "love". I thought it was my fault & I deserved it. I thought it was normal & I always justified his actions #WhyIStayed
— D.Stephanie17 (@DannaStephanie) September 9, 2014 These tweets put human faces to intimate partner violence, and remind us that escaping that violence isn't simply a matter of staying or going. The cycle of domestic abuse is far, far more complicated than that.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
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