By Maggie Harden, Vernon Hills
and Daniel Vogwill, Chicago Agricultural
Dating is a different experience than it was a generation ago. Parents who once were "going steady" don't understand the complicated dance that is modern high school dating. If she favorites your Instagram, does that mean she likes you? If you're in his profile picture, are you in a relationship?
Maybe teens don't understand modern high school dating either. It's complicated.
Hookup culture
With the rise of apps like Tinder, many are wondering if social media hookups are becoming the predominant form of relationships. According to a 2013 study by the American Psychological Association, 61 percent of sexually experienced teens reported a sexual encounter outside a dating relationship, which is occurring in correlation with Tinder's rising popularity among teens.
"This quick access to 'hooking up' is limiting the ability for teens to learn how to deal with rejection, and offers a quick fix to regulate their emotions," said Sara Klein, a staff therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.
These quick fixes may lead to short-lived relationships. According to Chicago Agricultural sophomore James Darche, conventional relationships aren't exactly common.
"The norm for teen dating seems to be only about two weeks or even less," Darche said.
Some attribute this decline to the ubiquity of social media. Does a relationship with someone (or even the appearance of one) add or detract from your profile?
"I think dating apps have turned relationships into a game," Vernon Hills senior Madison Proft said. "Because then it becomes 'How many likes can I get?' and makes dating someone more of a status than a serious commitment."
Many teens see serious commitments as easier opportunities to get hurt. Rather, they might prefer hookups because there are no strings attached and there's an easy way out if things go downhill.
"Hooking up is defined as one of the first stages of meeting a person who you like," Chicago Agricultural sophomore Jonny Poole said. "I think hooking up is a bit easier, because you are just receiving insight on the person and making the choice if they're right for you."
Klein echoed Poole's thoughts on what makes teens gravitate toward hooking up.
"For teens that lack self-confidence, this type of 'hooking up' provides a small dose of validation," Klein said. "The instant gratification that comes from 'hooking up' may be followed by anxiety, shame and depression. There is something very scary about opening yourself up for rejection, so these 'hookups' may be easier in the short term."
Teens on Tinder
Tinder reports that 7 percent of its users are between 13 and 17. While the app was originally designed to be a social dating network, The Guardian described it as "the app that helps you meet people for sex." Tinder has a reputation for making quick connections between people looking for a one-time sexual partner.
"No one at this age has an attention span long enough for a long-term relationship," said Whitney Young senior Claire Nosal, who said she uses Tinder. "There is too much change happening at this age to be committed. People just want to get to the point and then cut ties because they don't want to put work in."
Some have expressed concern about kids as young as 13 logging onto Tinder. While users between 13 and 17 can only connect with people in their same age range, there are still risks associated with meeting someone on social media.
"While technology is meant to open up the lines of communication, there is also a disconnection in posting your best self online and counting up your likes," Klein said. "The technology is here to stay, so we have to arm families with the tools to teach social and emotional skills so our teens can make more effective choices that reflect their specific set of values."
Despite Tinder's reputation for being solely a hookup app, it was originally intended as a tool for finding a relationship. Some insist that Tinder opens up opportunities for teens to meet students from other schools.
"You can find people who aren't just willing to hook up on Tinder," Mother McAuley senior Stevie Parrilli said. "I started using it for fun and I wasn't even taking it seriously, but you can get lucky--I found someone I'm dating."
"Relationship goals"
But could social media be creating unrealistic expectations for teen relationships? The popular term "relationship goals" has come to describe everything from a couple who cooks dinner together to a boyfriend and girlfriend with matching six-packs. With such an emphasis on social media, are teens losing sight of actual "relationship goals"?
"I think that some people think that 'relationship goals' are totally unrealistic, and some of them are," Proft said. "But I feel like some people don't even realize the respect that they deserve, so they think just having a boyfriend or girlfriend that takes you out or buys you something is so unrealistic, when in reality that's just a nice way to show your affection."
It's easy to log onto social media sites and see pictures of couples and families and measure personal success against those images. The Pew Research Center reports that 21 percent of teens on social media have felt worse about their lives after seeing a post on social media. This dynamic may be affecting what teens look for in a relationship.
Ultimately, though social media may have changed the dating game, Klein said teens should continue to seek out healthy, in-person interactions in order to create the connections they crave.
"An overwhelming amount of conversation they report is done via text," Klein said. "Teens need the skills to have a conversation, one that includes tone, inflection and social cues. These interpersonal skills are a critical part of healthy relationships."
* * * * * *
Decoding teen dating
As teen dating culture has become more hookup-based, the stages of a relationship have become more complicated. Here's some basic vocabulary to help you navigate the gray areas of teen dating.
Just talking
The two people involved have some romantic affiliation, but both still identify as single. Most of their communication occurs via text, and many people around them are not aware the two are together. "Just talking" can also mean the two people are in a "hooking up" relationship but are reluctant to admit it. These relationships can fizzle out before progressing to something more serious.
"A thing"
This is best identified as the pre-dating stage. When two people are "a thing," they're not quite single but not officially dating. They're usually texting or talking on the phone frequently and may have gone on a few casual dates. Most people around them are aware that the two are somewhat together.
Hooking up
Hooking up means there is little possibility for a future romantic relationship. This type of connection is purely physical and can consist of either isolated instances or a more long-term arrangement. Many teens who meet on Tinder or other dating apps end up in this stage.
Dating
This is the final and most serious stage of a teenage relationship. Couples who identify as dating often plan to be with each other for a longer amount of time and don't have any other romantic interests outside of the relationship.
This article was written by teen reporters from The Mash, a weekly publication distributed to Chicagoland high schools.
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