The Powerball lottery is up to about $700 million right now, and it could potentially reach a BILLION dollars soon enough. You want to win it, right? Pay attention to these quick and easy 100 steps, and you're good to go.
- Get yourself a comfortable pair of shoes.
- Make sure they're not just half-used Kleenex boxes you found.
- You didn't check, did you? Seriously, check.
- I'll wait.
- See, they were half-used Kleenex boxes, weren't they?
- You'd be surprised how often that happens.
- Take a walk down to your local convenient store.
- Beautiful day, isn't it?
- Go ahead and get yourself a lottery ticket.
- Don't take the random numbers.
- Pick your own.
- First number, the first two digits of your weight.
- Your real weight, not your Tinder weight.
- I won't look.
- How is Tinder lately, by the way?
- Is it still a "hookup" app?
- I remember this one crazy date.
- Me and two girls outside a dog hotel in Poughkeepsie -- well, anyway ...
- Second number, 16.
- It's going to be 16.
- No guessing needed on this one.
- Okay, the clerk is giving you the evil eye.
- Better go buy something.
- Hmm ...
- Oooh, Combos!
- Remember Combos?
- You don't really see commercials for Combos ever.
- They don't have the pretzel ones though.
- Cracker Combos? I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
- Corn Nuts? Does anyone eat those things?
- Well, you're the only one then.
- Moving on.
- Ah, here we go! Salt and vinegar Pringles!
- What, are you serious? These are great.
- Who raised you?
- Too bad, we're getting it.
- Okay, third number, the last two digits of your phone number.
- You actually still have a landline number?
- No, for this, your cell phone number.
- I'm gonna start eating these Pringles.
- Sorry, didn't eat breakfast this morning.
- Throw this Coke on there too.
- I'll pay you back.
- [Snacks on chips, chugs some Coke.]
- You know what's funny?
- If they call them landlines, why don't they call cell phones space lines?
- Right?
- Yeah, people always tell me I should be a comedian.
- I don't know, I mean, I've got some projects in the pipeline right now.
- What?
- Oh, the fourth number is 35.
- So what are you gonna do with your winnings?
- Sounds pretty great ...
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ...
- Oh, me? Well, glad you asked!
- If I won the lottery, I would do a number of things.
- First, I would construct the world's largest building.
- Big enough so that everyone in America could fit inside.
- Then I'd dress the building in the world's largest onesie.
- Every American would get in the building.
- Then we'd all say the pledge of allegiance.
- And at the phrase "one nation," we'd instead say ...
- "ONESIE NATION!"
- LOL.
- ...
- Well, you'll sort of have to be there.
- In the moment, the energy level will be much higher.
- ...
- I'm probably not explaining it very well.
- The fifth lottery number will be the last two digits of your birth year.
- Ooh, good year.
- Remember when "Adventures of the Gummi Bears" was a TV show?
- "Gummiiii Beaaaaaaaars! Boun-cing here and there and every-where!"
- Yeah! Ever watch that??
- ...
- No, me neither. Was just asking.
- Okay, ready for the final number?
- The POWERBALL number?
- It's 4.
- That's it!
- High five!
- Yeah, sorry, they're still covered Pringles crumbs.
- I sort of just licked my hand too.
- How do I know the numbers? I don't.
- No, I just made them up.
- Statistically, your chances are just as good ...
- I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!
- OK, well, next time, find your own lottery expert!
- I am too! I went to an accredited lottery university.
- It's called "I Don't Have To Tell U!"
- Oh, real mature!
- Yeah, good luck, jerk!
- You won't be allowed inside my world's largest onesie-dressed building!
- ...
- Sorry, that was harsh. You're still allowed in the world's largest onesie-dressed building.
- But you're no longer near the head.
- Now you're in the footies. Sorry.
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